King of Dreams
On Jamie's 'Hearts and Minds' tour you run into more than you bargained for with one settlement... Cast * Moonchild * Phil Cheeseman * Zoe Crick * Jamie Skeet * Pagans Plot Already Behind Schedule Woozily you listen to Moonchild, before coming back to the room where Jamie is giving a speech. When he starts getting distracted, Phil and Zoe decide it's time to move on to the next settlement. Not Worth Wasting It Phil and Jamie discuss the chances of the next settlement working for Sigrid, and Jamie grosses Phil out with a detailed description of a zombie stuck in a tractor. After That Dog! As you arrive you can hear the settlers preparing for a ritual. Unfortunately their dog runs off with a crucial component, so you'll have to give chase before you can get started. Watch Out For Those Teeth While you chase after the dog, Jamie reveals a hitherto unknown knowledge of pagan rituals. Suddenly the dog trips, and you manage to catch it! Even Nutters Back at the ritual site you return the dog to its owner. Jamie wants to get on with his speech, but first the settlers want to complete their ritual, which is sounding more and more sinister. Royal, Sacred Blood As the ritual is about to start you notice a stone slab and one of the settlers holding a knife. Apparently these people want Jamie's royal blood, so you beat a hasty retreat. Some Are Skyclad! You, Phil, Zoe and Jamie all run away as fast as possible, while the settlers give chase and try to persuade you to stay. The Manor House Centre As you finally manage to escape, Jody comes back onto comms. She's resolved the situation by promising a vial of Jamie's blood. In return the settlers have told her about a place that specialises in helping people with Moonchild Syndrome. S06E09 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript MOONCHILD: Oh man… oh man! What did they do to us, Five? It keeps repeating on me like bad vegetable korma. Karma… my vegetable karma… laughs That thing in the news reader’s transmission hurt, and not in like, a cleansing way. I didn’t think anything could hurt me anymore. When you feel pain, I don’t have to feel it. I can just disconnect. There’s no point both of us suffering. There’s enough of that in the world. Enough pain, and enough suffering, and enough children dying, and enough people - out JAMIE SKEET: in – enough people trying to divide us. I’m not the king of London! Or the king of Worthington-on-Sea. Or the king of ?. I’m the king of the whole United Kingdom. applauds ZOE CRICK: He’s good at this, isn’t he? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Are you all right, though, Five? Looked like you zoned out there for a minute. ZOE CRICK: Is it Moonchild’s voice coming up again? It’s okay. Five, you’re back in the room. You remember? We decided you need a chance to recuperate after collapsing on the train. Taking out on one of his hearts and minds tours should be a walk in the park. PHIL CHEESEMAN: laughs I mean, it’s so easy, they sent us to do it, and we’re rubbish at running. I had a panic attack last time we saw a zombie. ZOE CRICK: Jamie had to shoot the zom, then get Phil to breath into a paper bag! laughs JAMIE SKEET: And that’s why I’m standing here today. I’ve come here to tell you… your wiring needs a bit of work. That’s a proper fire hazard. SPECTATOR: What’s he talking about? The wiring? whispers ZOE CRICK: Oh God. He’s gone off script again. Phil, give him the signal. It’s time to get out of here anyway. JAMIE SKEET: Um, yeah. Look, I’ve got to go. But give me a call at Abel, and I’ll talk you through the repairs. You really don’t want to leave your ? hanging out like that. mic, crowd applauds All right. What now? ZOE CRICK: Ready to head off, Your Maj? PHIL CHEESEMAN: The next settlement on the itinerary were very specific about what time they wanted us. ZOE CRICK: And we already behind schedule. Let’s get moving. moans PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is that a zombie crouched down beside that rusty old tractor? JAMIE SKEET: Yeah. Looks like the tractor ran over it. There’s blood and bits of bone on the blade. Probably chopped it in two. Course, it could still drag itself along by the arms, but it’s got guts dangling all over the place, and - PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, yeah, I get the picture. JAMIE SKEET: So who’s the next lot, then? All it said on Sam’s list was the name of the place.' ?' Forest. ZOE CRICK: Yeah, that stupid name’s pretty much all we do know. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are we sure they’re not working for Sigrid? JAMIE SKEET: That’s the risk, isn’t it? But there’s no point in me sitting on my ass in Abel. Might as well abdicate, if I’m going to do that. ZOE CRICK: I think we may have picked up more zombies. JAMIE SKEET: We’ve got ammo, but it’s not worth wasting it on them. Come on, run! ZOE CRICK: I can’t see any sign of the settlement, but this is definitely the location they gave us. PHIL CHEESEMAN: I can hear something, though. Sounds like… chanting? ZOE CRICK: Oh, bloody hell. They’re not chanting about Peppa Pig, are they? Because Sam warned me about some really weird characters hiding out in a DVD warehouse. JAMIE SKEET: Not Peppa Pig, no. PAGANS: chanting' '''Corn and peas, corn and peas, creepy zombies' ?' please. JAMIE SKEET: It’s coming from behind those mulberry bushes. rustles PAGANS: chanting '?' and '?, '''? and ?, ? shall die and ?. ZOE CRICK: So I guess these are the people we’re here to meet? The ones all dressed up in ceremonial robes? Or putting on a really terrible drag act. laughs It’s hard to tell. PAGAN LEADER: Spirits of the East, we welcome thee! PAGAN 1: That’s not east, is it? PAGAN 2: No. East’s over there. PAGAN LEADER: Spirits of the East - PAGAN 1: That’s not east either! East is behind us. I think. PAGAN 2: Which side of the trees is the moss on? PAGAN LEADER: Okay, has anyone got a compass? JAMIE SKEET: Uh, sorry to interrupt. I’m King Jamie. PAGAN LEADER: Your Majesty! Merry meet! JAMIE SKEET: Yeah. You know the chant’s supposed to be, “hoof and horn, all that dies shall be reborn”? PAGAN LEADER: Is it? JAMIE SKEET: It’s about the earth coming back to life after winter, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m here to talk about - barks PAGAN 2: Fido! No! Leave the sacred antlers alone! Bad boy, Fido! Come back! PAGAN LEADER: Those antlers are a crucial part of the ceremony! Your Majesty, you were a runner before your elevation, weren’t you? JAMIE SKEET: Yeah. Come on, then. After that dog. barks PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody hell! We’re never going to catch that dog! ZOE CRICK: For a Cockapoo, it does have a rather impressive turn of speed. JAMIE SKEET: What are they doing, bringing a dog to Lammas, anyway? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, don’t know. What’s Lammas? JAMIE SKEET: It’s a pagan harvest festival. One of my mates used to be well into that stuff. It was cool, only this lot are doing it all wrong, and at the wrong time of year. ZOE CRICK: Do you ever get the feeling your subjects might be total idiots? JAMIE SKEET: All the time. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I don’t believe that. I think most people are fundamentally decent. Just have to see the good in them. See, that’s what we’re doing. People are being deceived by Sigrid, and one by one, we’re reminding them of the real goodness in their hearts. JAMIE SKEET: Oh my days. Is he always like this? ZOE CRICK: Sometimes he’s worse. yelps PHIL CHEESEMAN: Look! Five, the dog just tripped. Get him! growls JAMIE SKEET: Careful, Five. His teeth look really sharp. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, I think… I think someone might have filed his canines into points. ZOE CRICK: Well, that’s not at all creepy. Or cruel. JAMIE SKEET: We should get him back and then get out of here, fast! Come on. And watch out for those teeth, Five! barks PAGAN LEADER: You’re back. Thank God! ZOE CRICK: God? laughs I thought you guys were supposed to be pagans. PAGAN LEADER: If you wouldn’t mind, we prefer not to use the phrase “you guys.” We like to bring a more feminine energy to our lives. We prefer “you gaias." Uh, and we’re not so much pagan as pagan-inspired. It’s the zombie apocalypse. Why not mix things up? We really think you’re going to enjoy the ceremony we’ve come up with, Your Majesty. One might even say you’re going to have the time of your life. laughs out MOONCHILD: I don’t know about you, Five, but I’m starting to think these idiots might be dangerous. Oh no! And now the dog’s eating the sacred corn. That’s like, terrible karma. barks ZOE CRICK: in Five? Why are you wrestling with that dog? Five? growls PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think Five’s having another… you know. Episode. PAGAN LEADER: We must all move as the spirits lead us. Isn’t that right, Your Majesty? JAMIE SKEET: Yeah. Look, I only came here to give a speech. PAGAN LEADER: Of course. Of course! And we’d love to hear it right after the ceremony, if you still have the, um, energy. Just follow me! And hurry. The sacred hour approaches. ZOE CRICK: whispers Are we really going to go with him? PHIL CHEESEMAN: They haven’t actually done anything. ZOE CRICK: Yet. JAMIE SKEET: Abel needs all the allies it can get, even nutters like these. Come on, run! PAGAN LEADER: We’re almost there. This is such a joyous day. The sacred blood shall speak. Blessed be! ZOE CRICK: It’s not getting any less sinister, is it? PAGAN LEADER: Look, Your Majesty! See how many of our people have gathered to celebrate with you. PHIL CHEESEMAN: You mean people like that man wearing horns and wielding an extremely large knife? JAMIE SKEET: And standing next to a stone slab with dark stains all over it? A Jamie-sized slab? PAGAN LEADER: It’s your blood we yearn for, King Jamie. Your royal, sacred blood! ZOE CRICK: Run! ZOE CRICK: Why are those rubbish pagans so fast? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, probably get lots of exercise running after that stupid dog! PAGAN LEADER: Come back! We only want a few drops of your blood! Royal blood has great power! ZOE CRICK: Oh, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad. PAGAN LEADER: And many of us would like to lie in coitus with you under the light of the waxing moon! ZOE CRICK: Also reasonable. JAMIE SKEET: No, it isn’t. ZOE CRICK: Oh, don’t do yourself down. You’re a good-looking man. JAMIE SKEET: I’m not going to sleep with a bunch of total strangers in the middle of the woods on a slab of rock! PAGAN: Jamie, give yourself to us! JAMIE SKEET: Oh my word. Some of them are skyclad. Keep running! ZOE CRICK: wheezes I… I think we… I think we lost them. JAMIE SKEET: Don’t know how, though. A few minutes ago, they was right behind us. JODY MARSH: Hi, guys. JAMIE SKEET: Jody, where have you been? JODY MARSH: Sorry, sorry. These outreach missions aren’t usually much bother, so I thought I was safe to nip out of the comms shack for some lunch. But I’ve spoken to the rubbish pagans, and it’s all sorted now. JAMIE SKEET: How? JODY MARSH: Oh, uh, I promised them a vial of your blood. Veronica had one on hand for some routine blood tests. JAMIE SKEET: Fair enough. I ain’t using it. Long as you didn’t promise them anything else. JODY MARSH: No, you’re fine. I told them you’d taken a vow of celibacy until your nation can be freed. They were dead impressed! Said they’d sign on to the Abel alliance straight away. ZOE CRICK: Maybe – only a suggestion – we could vet the settlements a tiny bit before we go to them in future? laughs Just to weed out the total raving lunatics. JODY MARSH: Yeah, funny you should say that. Five, when I was having a chat with their leader, he mentioned how he "saw the spirits move you.” Something to do with fighting a Cockapoo? Anyway, he said some of his lot have been hearing voices, too. But he says there’s an outfit that can help. They specialize from people suffering from auditory hallucinations related to Moonchild’s mind control experiments. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, do we call them hallucinations? JODY MARSH: We don’t know what they are, but we know Sigrid’s trying to activate Moonchild in susceptible people. We think Sweetpea intercepted a test broadcast and knew what it was because she was Moonchild-susceptible, too. out MOONCHILD: One of my people. Gone. JODY MARSH: in Whatever it is, we’re going to get you the help you need, Five. And if there’s anyone who can find out what’s going on with you, it’s the people at the Manor House Center. Category:Mission Category:Season Six